Thoughts of an older sister

I'm not the greatest of older sisters. But I love this boy to death, I'll do anything for him. He's my reality and fantasy, and I know anytime I need to escape he'll be there with me. 

He's my dream. Whatever I couldn't really do as a kid, I let him. When I was little, I never really knew how to express thoughts or ideas. So now I have this bundle of hope with me, I let him be who he wants to be. I'm not ashamed if he screams really loud in delight in a crowd of silence. I let him roam free, be whoever he wants to be. I don't want him growing up thinking like oh, he can't say or do something because people will think like this. 

That's who I was and I grew up my entire childhood lying my way. I was afraid of facing honesty. Lying was my main way out. The feeling wasn't good at all but I didn't understand.

But he isn't selfish, mostly anwyay. I'm happy about that. As an older sister earning abit of moolah once in a while, I and the family sometimes like to buy surprises (e.g. sweets, books) for Baby. That's what my father used to do, buy me surprises. So I think some of it rubbed off on him. He likes to buy sweets for his friends, or if I buy him sparklers he wants to share it with the neighbour. If he's having something nice and I ask may I have some, he readily says yes. If not, I'll call him selfish! 

However, being an 'adult' surrounded in a house of adults, I sometimes forget he's only a child, a 5-year-old. Whom at this stage requires all the attention and support. So sometimes I shun him away because besides work, sometimes I feel like I need my own 'me' time. 

So he waited for me. It was kind of annoying at first cos he kept knocking on the door, and asking me to come out. But he kept on waiting. Till he fell asleep outside my door.

:(

I have to keep reminding myself, he's not an adult. He's a child. A lonely child surrounded by a house-ful of adults. It's okay to give in to him, because he needs the attention. I can have my 'me' time later when he's gone to sleep.

From now on I'll be there for him anytime he needs me cos if I don't, next time I look at him he might be a grown 15-year-old who doesn't need his older sister's attention anymore.